Middle aged business man: "I'd pay you to come."
Me on why I am so cheery at work: "So I figure, I'm getting paid to be here. I'm getting paid to be perky at customers and being perky makes me happy! It's a vicious cycle really. :D"
*exit customer*
Me turning to my boss and sobbing with grin still attached to my face: "Oh god, I'm so lonely."
My boss on why I should stop singing the only Hanson lyrics I know, which happen to be 'mmbop a doowap, mmmbop doobey doo doo wap. mmm bop, doo wap doo. wo ho yeah heah.' (you try and get them out of your head...)
"Shut up, just shut up or I'll, I'll stuff this in your asshole..." *Wields hammer menacingly.*
Monday, November 29, 2010
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Excellent tales from the life of a hospitality worker.
Customer: "Hey, were you wearing something different earlier?"
Me: "No, this is my uniform. I have to wear it at work."
Customer: "Oh, I must have just imagined you in less."
Customer: "I haven't been able to take my eyes off you all night but I've completely forgotten your name."
Me checking name tag: "It's 'Work Experience' at the moment."
Customer: "I have a really tricky order, you might want to grab a pen."
Me - picks up pen.
Customer: "I want 2 shots of coffee in a latte glass with some whipped cream and chocolate shavings on the top."
Me - writes '1 x Vienna.'
Customer: "You didn't write enough, you have to write it all down so you don't make it wrong."
Customer: "So if I order room service I'll get to see you again?"
Me: "Yes. I'll even get paid for it! Crazy that huh..."
Customer: "This is delicious! You have to tell me what it is!"
Me: "It's a chocolate cake, you ordered it off the menu."
Customer: "No I mean the stuff like ice cream that it comes with!"
Me: "Vanilla ice cream."
Me: "No, this is my uniform. I have to wear it at work."
Customer: "Oh, I must have just imagined you in less."
Customer: "I haven't been able to take my eyes off you all night but I've completely forgotten your name."
Me checking name tag: "It's 'Work Experience' at the moment."
Customer: "I have a really tricky order, you might want to grab a pen."
Me - picks up pen.
Customer: "I want 2 shots of coffee in a latte glass with some whipped cream and chocolate shavings on the top."
Me - writes '1 x Vienna.'
Customer: "You didn't write enough, you have to write it all down so you don't make it wrong."
Customer: "So if I order room service I'll get to see you again?"
Me: "Yes. I'll even get paid for it! Crazy that huh..."
Customer: "This is delicious! You have to tell me what it is!"
Me: "It's a chocolate cake, you ordered it off the menu."
Customer: "No I mean the stuff like ice cream that it comes with!"
Me: "Vanilla ice cream."
Pancakes
About 2 Thursdays ago I was eating pancakes at work. I eat my pancakes with Vegemite. Apparently this is some hideous crime against pancakes. It's not like I have been using them in sacrificial rituals of the occult or something. I just like eating them with Vegemite.
I can think of many more hideous things to do with pancakes. Like, under cook them, throw them in the bin, feed them to Russel Crowe or even use them to smuggle drugs into foreign countries. What is so wrong with Vegemite?
I can think of many more hideous things to do with pancakes. Like, under cook them, throw them in the bin, feed them to Russel Crowe or even use them to smuggle drugs into foreign countries. What is so wrong with Vegemite?
Sunday, August 29, 2010
One quarter.
Today I visited my mother for the first time in almost a month, this is due to various social commitments that I have had to uphold. Yes, basically that means I was hungover on my days off. At least I am honest about it.
We were discussing various social behaviors that, no matter how much one discusses or condemns, still remain rampant in today's society. These behaviors include;
Staring at people when you are in a car, like somehow the people on the outside of the car won't see you because you are in a car. Even though the car is in fact fitted with transparent glass partitions, also known as windows.
Leaving the toilet seat up, even though only one quarter of the activities that toilets are meant for require the seat to be up. Think about it, there are 4 things that generally occur on a toilet, (we're not going to go into fetishes here) a man urinating, a woman urinating, a man defecating and a woman defecating. Only one quarter of these things require the toilet seat to be lifted.
Changing queues in the supermarket/shopping outlet repeatedly. When you make a decision to stand in a queue you should stay there and let other people make decisions to join other queues. If you go whoring around from queue you just frustrate those in front of and behind you, especially if you change more than once. I for one try to always stand back and choose my queue before I join any because I know that once I've joined, I'm in for the long haul. This also includes getting a shopping partner to stand in one queue whilst you stand in the other. It's like you're cheating every shopper in both queues.
There were many other points raised, analyzed, discussed and then agreed upon before the final decision was reached that a whole new social code should be enforced, which all must abide by. Then I realized that I am in fact not Hitler, so this wouldn't work. Unless I grow a little mustache and learn some German...
We were discussing various social behaviors that, no matter how much one discusses or condemns, still remain rampant in today's society. These behaviors include;
Staring at people when you are in a car, like somehow the people on the outside of the car won't see you because you are in a car. Even though the car is in fact fitted with transparent glass partitions, also known as windows.
Leaving the toilet seat up, even though only one quarter of the activities that toilets are meant for require the seat to be up. Think about it, there are 4 things that generally occur on a toilet, (we're not going to go into fetishes here) a man urinating, a woman urinating, a man defecating and a woman defecating. Only one quarter of these things require the toilet seat to be lifted.
Changing queues in the supermarket/shopping outlet repeatedly. When you make a decision to stand in a queue you should stay there and let other people make decisions to join other queues. If you go whoring around from queue you just frustrate those in front of and behind you, especially if you change more than once. I for one try to always stand back and choose my queue before I join any because I know that once I've joined, I'm in for the long haul. This also includes getting a shopping partner to stand in one queue whilst you stand in the other. It's like you're cheating every shopper in both queues.
There were many other points raised, analyzed, discussed and then agreed upon before the final decision was reached that a whole new social code should be enforced, which all must abide by. Then I realized that I am in fact not Hitler, so this wouldn't work. Unless I grow a little mustache and learn some German...
Monday, July 5, 2010
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Movement.
Moving forwards,
sitting backwards.
Always moving,
moving forwards,
trickling slowly on towards another fall.
So I melt into my seat and
the rolling hills swallow the train.
The deer watch me.
Small eyes follow the train,
who are they to judge.
The hills will get them too.
Run. They need to run.
Chase the train.
Chase something.
Running forwards.
Going backwards.
Break neck speed and,
always in the wrong direction.
The deer will watch me fall.
sitting backwards.
Always moving,
moving forwards,
trickling slowly on towards another fall.
So I melt into my seat and
the rolling hills swallow the train.
The deer watch me.
Small eyes follow the train,
who are they to judge.
The hills will get them too.
Run. They need to run.
Chase the train.
Chase something.
Running forwards.
Going backwards.
Break neck speed and,
always in the wrong direction.
The deer will watch me fall.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Spring-Summer
New flowers,
yet un-opened.
Days fall into days.
Ever changing buds that flourish in the spring.
Stripped away by idle,
hands as children amble home.
Pretty girls in,
small white dresses.
Snatched away from innocence by,
greedy hands that take what is not theirs.
What is nothing,
nothing any more.
yet un-opened.
Days fall into days.
Ever changing buds that flourish in the spring.
Stripped away by idle,
hands as children amble home.
Pretty girls in,
small white dresses.
Snatched away from innocence by,
greedy hands that take what is not theirs.
What is nothing,
nothing any more.
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